Falling into place

I thought about something yesterday while I was working out. I thought about how my oldest would be starting Kindergarten in a day, and how quickly that time came.

I thought about a blog post I wrote back in the fall of 2016, all about reminiscing on the fall season and all that it brings.

I looked back on my time in college and early adulthood, and how in a few short years I would be dropping my son off to Kindergarten and crying in my car thinking about the days when he would be asleep on my chest.

Those days are here.

It was a nice cool September morning.

We gave Ian hugs and kisses across the street from his school, and told him to have the best day ever.

We waited for the crosswalk as we answered all of his eager questions about the day ahead.

Introduced him to the crossing guards, and pretended to run into each other along the way.

Each step filled with laughter and excitement.

Ian was so excited to walk up the stairs into the hallway that would eventually lead to his classroom.

We saw him take a seat and start playing with toys, uninterested in saying goodbye to us and more interested in doing his own things.

He’s a big boy now, as much as I didn’t want it to happen this quickly, it did.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

During those late night cuddles when he was just a couple of months old, I would have sworn time was moving as slow as it could. Yet here we are, time proving me wrong once again.

In a little more than a month we will be celebrating his 6th birthday, and in a few years we’ll be walking both Ian and Max into school and I will be in a very similar situation as the one I am in now..wishing time would slow down.

That’s how life works though, even though at times I wish it didn’t.

Things happen.

Time passes.

And we find ourselves in new seasons of life with new people.

It’s easy to sit back and think about how things used to be, but we have to be careful that we don’t stay there too long.

I love looking back on my life and reminiscing about different memories, but if I do it for too long I will forget to live in the moments I find myself in now.

The truth is, my life was great when I was 18 living away from home for the first time, and when I was 21 walking the streets of Monmouth with a peppermint coffee in hand on my way to my next class.

It was special at 23 walking through my neighborhood with my dad and our dog, just like it was in October of 2016 when my nights were longer than anything I had ever experienced.

It was special today, walking my son into kindergarten, just like it will be in a few years when we do the same with Max.

My life has been filled with special little moments, all of which I will hold very close to my heart until I get to add a new one.

I love my life, I truly do.

Every decision I have made has led me to where I am today.

The pieces of who I am, have delicately fallen into place.

All to lead me to today.

Yesterday while I was on my morning treadmill run, I was brought back to those early runs during my Sophomore year at Western.

The frost that would collect on my face during my morning miles.

How successful I felt knowing I had accomplished something before most people were even awake.

After my run, I sat on the floor to stretch while finishing my episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

I sat in awe of where I was at that very moment.

In my house with my husband and children.

A life I someday hoped for, as I was navigating the unknown.

I took off my running shoes, and greeted my family as I made my morning cup of coffee.

Life happens no matter what you’re doing.

Eventually it all falls into place.

❤

Opinions of others.

How much value do you put into the opinions of others?

It’s ok, I won’t tell, how much?

I would love to be the person that says “none.”

That can confidently say my happiness would never rely on the approval of others.

However, that would be a lie.

I have gotten better in terms of wearing something that is in fashion just to please others, or wearing lots of makeup because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.

Throughout the last couple of years I have put little thought into superficial things like that.

If I want to read a book and others think I’m being lazy, I am going to sit and read.

If I need to get up at 4:30 in the morning to get my workout in for the day, and others think I am obsessive, who cares.

If I get made fun of for liking Taylor Swift, bring it on because she is my queen.

I am slightly embarrassed that it took roughly thirty years to get to that place but I am proud of myself for getting there.

It’s all part of life right? Learning lessons at your own pace?

That’s the point of this post today.

Have you seen those posts where someone says “I was today years old when..”

While I was today years old where I came to this realization that I am pretty freaking awesome.

I would have dropped the F bomb but my grandma reads these.

I was driving today listening to a Spotify curated playlist titled “Happy Mix” rocking out to steal my girl when the thought came to me.

You see, I’ve been struggling a little recently.

I have been working pretty hard for the approval of others. Maybe it’s not even approval but the acceptance.

I have been at the top of my game trying to feel good about myself and get to a place of happiness so that I would attract approval and acceptance.

Has anyone else done this?

I’m going to say yes to make myself feel better.

When I was driving home today rocking out to One Direction I was reminded of how much fun I am.

I remembered that I am funny, helpful, caring, passionate, and kind.

And if that isn’t what someone see’s in me, it’s not a me problem, it’s a them problem.

I thought that if I did all the right things for the approval of others then maybe I would have it.

When in reality, here I am trying so hard and I still don’t have it.

So why try so hard?

Why try so hard to make sure the world sees you as funny, caring, kind, and passionate.

When YOU know that YOU already are.

And if there are people in your life who love you and support you, then why do you need anything else.

My point is, why does the acceptance of others matter?

I see it at work and I’ve seen it in my own life.

Someone has made it clear that they don’t want you, and yet you work so hard to be appealing to them.

And they still don’t want you.

You work so hard to get their approval that you forget to give attention to those who love you for who you are.

Hold on to those people.

You want approval from those people, because they will love you no matter what.

They will stand in your corner and cheer you on.

You can trust that they see you as you see yourself, if not better.

If someone can’t see how special you are, please stop wasting your precious energy on them.

And spend it on those who love you for you.

That’s it.

❤

Running on my mind

Running and me go way back.

The first time I remember running and actually enjoying it was in fifth grade when I made the 4×100 relay event for the local elementary school. I had the time of my life being selected as one of the “fast kids.”

The next school year my parents got us involved in club track with USATF along with competing for our middle schools. Most of that is a blur but during that time I became one of the fastest kids in my city and broke all kinds of PR’s. I also got talked into running cross country by my parents. I had sworn up and down that I was a sprinter and occasionally did long jump. Cross country was out of the question completely. My parents promised my just one cross country race and that was it, that eventually turned into 8+ years of running cross country in club, high school, and in college.

I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t run cross country in high school, so thank you mom and dad for challenging me and knowing that I was capable of more than I thought I was. High school track and cross country gave me some of the best memories of my life. It taught me to have confidence in myself and that I can do hard things. I met so many great friends, ran at some amazing races, and became the district champion for my district in the 3000 meter my senior year. When I graduated, I was a two-time state track meet qualifier and a four-year cross-country state meet qualifier. I even got a scholarship to run for a private Christian university in Portland Oregon.

That first cross-country season was one of my best regarding times. I was being pushed by my coach to my limits and seeing great results. I also had some amazing friends and support from my sister and parents. After a cross country season where I finished as the fastest girl on my team and two spots away from qualifying for the NAIA cross country championships, we (my twin sister and the rest of the team) found out that our college was going to shut down in the spring due to low funding. My coach told us that he would update us over the winter break on his plans. One day over break my sister and I got a phone call from our coach, where he told us that we weren’t the type of people that he wanted on his team next year. He spent the next 15 minutes gaslighting my sister and I to believe that we were awful teammates, athletes and people.

You could say that was hard.

My sister and I went to campus after break to collect our things and move back home where we would attend community college and run attached that track season at any meet that would take us. I was running great times and still putting in the work, I wanted to continue running in college by next fall.

We reached out to Western Oregon University, a school that we had blown off during our college visits senior year, to see if they had room on their team. Coach Mike Johnson was very understanding and welcoming to both of us. Growing up I always felt like the extra side of fries that you get for a meal. My sister was the main dish, and I was the add on. Coach Johnson never made me feel that way. Those three years were challenging but three of the best years of my life. I ran my PR’s during those years, challenged myself, met my best friends, and fell more in love with running.

Then June of 2012 came, and so did the end of my collegiate career. After my last meet my dad and I stood outside of the track in silence. We both were looking at the track in awe when he said, “so this is it huh?” to which I responded with “yup.” That was the end. No more early morning practices and daily doubles, no more workouts and blisters, running was over.

I wish there was a course provided by the NCAA or colleges for athletes who graduate from college where they can get support and find out other opportunities post-graduation. That moment when your career ends is earth shattering. More support and guidance would have been wonderful, but since there was none, I was left to navigate it on my own.

After graduation I ran a few times here and there but wasn’t training for anything specific. It wasn’t until the day of the Boston Marathon in 2013 when I decided that I needed to do something more with myself and my running. My sister and I signed up the next day for the Portland Marathon in October with our longest long run under our belt being 13 miles.

The story of my first marathon is a long one, and one that I can save for another time. After that marathon I went through a five-year cycle of occasionally running for a month or two and racing directly after. It wasn’t until the spring of 2018 when I decided to train for a half marathon on the fourth of July. That half marathon ended the way Portland did, with me in the med tent.

Following that half marathon, I ran a 5k in 2018 and another one a year later. Both at around 7:25 mile pace and both first in my age group. Both races were so much fun, so why did I stop?

Comparison. It is an ugly thing and has been the biggest problem throughout the last twenty years of my running career. Comparison told me that I needed to stop running because I was not fast enough. Comparison told me that people were running 6 miles when I was only running 4. Comparison told me to just stop while I was behind. To be honest, I’m ready to be over the comparison and ready to run for me.

Here I am now. 32 years old and 20 years into my running career and feeling that itch again. Honestly, it has been going on for a few months now, just ask my friends who have helped me navigate my worries and fears around running…shoutout to Nicole and Amanda…there for me in college and there for me now.

I have a few goals in mind, one might be to run another marathon some day since my first did not go as planned. For now, there’s a 10k that I enjoy doing that will be ran in July that I am going to be training for. After that, I want to run a half marathon a year from now.

After that, I’m not sure, who knows where I will be.

But this is me, putting my goals out there and knowing that I am ready for this.

I know that I am not going to be going to the Olympics. I know that I may not be running 7:00 minute miles like I did when I was 22. I know that I am a different runner than when I was 22. I have had cancer, two babies, and have put my body through so much during these last 10 years.

And honestly, I am ok with that.

I am 32 and am so incredibly strong the way I am. I am so excited to get back to the sport that taught me everything I know about life. The sport that gave me my best friends. The sport that gave me my husband and my life. The sport that challenged me to do more than I ever thought possible.

I am excited to start this new relationship with an old friend next week.

This is me, putting my goals out there and knowing that it may be hard.

This is me being excited to push my body and to fall back in love with my favorite sport.

This is me running again.

It’s going to be so fun.

❤

I’m feeling 2022

If you read that title as 20-22 to the tune of 22 by Taylor Swift, congrats, you win.

You don’t actually win something, sorry, I just love a good Taylor Swift pun.

Almost as much as I love setting resolutions in the new year.

Do I always stick to these resolutions, not always. There’s just something about a new start and new goals to get the year started on the right foot.

Setting goals does not have to be something done specifically in the new year, but if the new year is the thing you need to get started on something you’ve always wanted to do, then so be it.

Personally, I love the idea of having a clean start to something, and new years is the perfect time to start something new.

In the last couple of years I also started setting a word for the year.

In 2019 I set my word of the year as “pursue” which helped remind me to pursue my dream of writing a book. It reminded me in those moments of where I had no motivation to push on towards pursuing my dreams. Honestly, 2019 was my favorite year in recent memory.

This year I set my word as “present” to really focus on being present with my family as we grew closer to growing our family, and to really be present in the first six months of his life.

This year was hard, I go back and forth on how I actually feel about it.

If I had to be honest, the first six months sucked.

I spent more time during those six months crying than I did in any other year of my life.

My family spent the first few months working with our sweet dog Marlo to help her through her health struggles. We payed extra close attention to her and her needs. I spent many nights cuddled up next to her while she was sleeping whispering things to her. Begging her to stay until the new baby came, to telling her that we were ok, that I didn’t want her to struggle anymore and if she needed to go it was ok.

She told us it was time to go on March 1st.

A week later I was met with a pretty hard situation that took up the next three months.

This situation was met with anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, regret, and negativity.

I saw so many things in my life take a hit. I found myself shutting down because it was easier than facing any sort of emotion.

June became a month of hope.

June provided me with rest, sunshine, family time, and my sweet baby boy Maxwell.

Maxwell was exactly what my family needed, he was exactly what I needed.

It was hard at first.

One day after he was born we found out that he had some pretty bad Jaundice, which had him in a little tank for 24 hours.

We also found out that my kidney levels were pretty bad, I spent the day after he was born getting 30 different tubes of blood drawn, CT scan’s, ultrasounds, and every bit of worst case scenario you could imagine.

We ended up leaving the hospital after four days.

I told the hospital that I had to get back to my oldest son and that I would continue my tests at home.

Life with two kids was hard at first, but honestly it’s been the biggest blessing I could ever imagine.

Maxwell is sweet, strong, curious, talkative, and loving.

He is the best thing that came out of this year hands down.

The rest of the year went by so incredibly fast, maybe that’s what having a baby does.

I really found my confidence after having Max.

I began working out again and finding my strength.

I discovered a style that made me confident.

I worked through hard situations with grace and strength and came out better.

I think that’s the most important thing we can do at the end of every year.

Look back on the previous year, truly recognize what went wrong, what went right, and what we could have done better.

We also need to praise ourself when it’s due.

Recognize when we grew.

Recognize that what we went through might have been hard, but that we worked so hard to get through it.

Meet the end of the year praising ourselves.

Give thanks for the version of us that entered the year and the version that meets us in our reflection at the end of it.

Looking at the new year, I find myself hopeful.

I find myself clear on my goals and what I want from the new year.

And that is to just be.

Be present, be powerful, be kind, be patient, be aware, be confident.

Just to be the best version of myself.

It may seem weird, but it came to me in the shower the other night.

My word for this year is “be” with the idea that I have no desired path for this year other than to just be whatever it brings.

This word made me more mindful of my resolutions for this year as well.

Resolutions that were manageable and reasonable, so that I could still be whatever version of myself that this year required.

I want to read more, specifically one book every month.

The first seven of those books being the Harry Potter series.

I have always wished that I had read these books growing up and constantly find myself saying “this will be the year I start reading them.” I figured why not start it now. The other five months will consist of whatever books I decide to read.

I want to journal.

I have always hoped that I could be the person who journaled, but never made the time to do so. I will be adding it into my daily routine so that I can reflect back on my thoughts and feelings after they pass.

I want to keep blogging.

I have already stated this in my previous post, but stating it again will help remind me of the desire I have to continue to blog throughout the year. Blogging is therapeutic to me. It helps me process my thoughts. I have also met some awesome people through it and have had people reach out to me after reading a post relating to the words I’ve typed.

I want to continue to be healthy and fit.

While the specifics of this goal remain private, because this is my own personal journey, I want to continue to workout and meet that with better eating habits. I have fallen in love with my peloton strength classes, bike classes, and treadmill classes. These workouts give me confidence and strength while also being fun. Fun is the most important part honestly.

Those are it, those are the four goals I have set for this year.

While four may not seem like a lot, they are four goals that I can focus on.

Why overload myself with too many goals, when I can find four that I want to stick with.

I’m really looking forward to 2022.

I am looking forward to hopefully returning to more of a normal life.

To Maxwell turning 1 and Ian starting kindergarten.

To finishing off the school year at a job where I finally feel like I belong.

To new beginnings and adventures with Jason.

To making memories with my family.

I picked this title because I truly am feeling the new year.

It’s the first time in a while that I truly do feel hopeful and optomistic.

I hope this year brings you happiness.

I hope that if you find yourself in a tough situation, that you can come out stronger.

I hope that you meet your resolutions with stride, and that you find purpose in something.

And I hope Taylor Swift gives us Speak Now and 1989 Taylor’s version.

Cheers to 2022.

❤

this is me trying.

I am so mad at myself.

Well maybe not mad, just disappointed.

I’ve written 7 blog posts in the last two years.

This may not seem like anything to you, or maybe you don’t care.

To me, this is upsetting.

Especially when the last post I wrote was from a year ago where I wrote about how much I miss writing and how I will be doing it from here on out.

And I didn’t.

There are 18 days left of 2021 and I haven’t written anything.

I’m mad.

I’m annoyed.

This was my outlet; this was my place to write about anything my heart desired.

A place to ramble on about whatever I wanted.

It was my corner of the internet.

And I’ve neglected it.

I could sit here and make excuses.

I could tell you that we lost our dog on March 1^st, and that the next two months were kind of a blur.

I could tell you that I gave birth to the best little snuggle bug on June 25^th and it has been an adjustment with two kids.

I could say that a year ago I started my dream career and in October I went back in full in person school and it was a whirlwind.

I could tell you that I am in the middle of grad school and that I don’t graduate until June of 2023.

All of those things are true, and they are reasons as to why I have been busy, but they are not reasons as to why I didn’t write anything this year.

It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write about, I just didn’t want to write.

I lost my spark for it.

I wish I didn’t.

But sometimes we lose the spark for things we once had.

Sometimes things that set our soul on fire don’t anymore.

I wish I could sit here and say that the spark is magically back.

I wish I could go on about how the fire is back and I am so motivated to write every day.

But that’s not reality.

I will tell you that I want to write.

I want to be able to put into words how I’m feeling.

I want to rank all of Taylor Swift’s albums.

I want to write about a killer morning routine or what I’m loving at the moment.

I want to write instead of sitting and processing things internally like I’ve been doing.

I want all of these things.

And lucky for me, I was raised by two people who taught me that anything I want is possible with hard work and dedication.

Two people who raised me to believe that I was capable of anything.

So here I am to tell you that I want to keep writing, that I am going to try and keep writing.

I have no goals, no plans, but I really want to have this space again.

I am going to be realistic about how much I can do and if I can really sit down and write.

Sometimes we lose our spark, and that’s ok.

If we lose interest in something, we can find something else that gives us joy.

And if we miss our little spark, we can try to take baby steps to get it back.

Admit your faults, write a vulnerable blog post, commit to trying.

Know that those who love you and what you do will love you no matter what.

So in the words of my girl Taylor Swift, this is me trying.

❤

Begin again

I wish I knew a perfect way to start this, but sadly that isn’t the case today.

I really miss having a creative outlet, something I never knew I needed until four years ago. I never saw myself as a “creative” person growing up. Growing up, sports were more of my thing. I was awful at drawing or any other arts and craft activity, therefore I assumed that creativity wasn’t something I was born with.

I developed a love for creative writing in my first creative writing course during my senior year in college, yes it was late in life but it was the first real opportunity I had to explore that world.

I’ve told this story a million times before but I had started blogs off and on in the past but deleted them in fear of someone finding them. It wasn’t until late October of 2016 after my son Ian was born and my best friend inspired me with her blog that I had decided to start something I had wanted to do for so long.

I now sit here after four years of having this blog and 103 (now 104) published blog posts all about my life, wondering how to start again.

Back in December 2018 I had this strong desire to complete my biggest life goal, and that was to write my very first book. I decided to step away from my blog and focus all of my energy on my book. I was able to finish writing the rough draft of my book in June, and get it out to the public in December of 2019. After finishing my book I was left completely drained and had nothing left in my tank of stories and lessons.

I wrote two blog posts in 2019 while I was writing my book, and have written three blog posts so far this year. The flame I had for writing had gone out, and I found myself not wanting to get it back.

I know that happens to everyone, you have this passion in life and one day it almost disappears. Especially in 2020, nothing is off limits. It’s common to get comfortable with being content with where you’re at in life, it’s common to not want want to put effort into anything except those things that you have to. Your once creative outlet or passion you once had in life is gone because you let the flame go out with no desire to start it back up.

I’ve been searching for a creative outlet since this time last year wanting to share my thoughts with the world once again, but could never find anything that felt right.

My husband has always been extremely supportive with any crazy ideas of goals that I have. I’ve expressed this concern with him recently and he always brings me back to my blog. He understands how passionate I was about it and how much effort I put into it. He knew that it was a great outlet for me when I was just writing what I wanted and not focusing on what I thought other people wanted to read.

Since taking an unofficial break from blogging my life has changed in a relatively drastic way. I decided to start a journey I swore I would never do and that was to get my Masters degree. I never saw myself pursuing higher education than necessary because I never had a dream career that required more education. Until some tough events with people close to me brought me to realize that I had a love for helping others.

In January of 2020 I started my Masters of Education in School Counseling degree with plans to finish by June of 2023. I also as of recently, began a new career as a middle school counselor at a local middle school. Leaving a school that I absolutely loved and felt so comfortable at was pretty hard to say the least and terrifying at times, but starting a new career that I am extremely passionate about overtook the fear of the unknown.

Life has been crazy and completely unexpected this year for me, and for everyone I know, in true 2020 fashion. If you would have told me at the beginning of this year I would be going back to school and switching careers I would not have believed you. I had other goals and none of them really consisted of growing professionally. I call it maturity but you can call it adulting, maybe they’re the same thing.

I guess that brings me back to this post, and my blog as a whole. It’s something that is so special to me and something that I’ve worked hard to create. I’ve grown as a person, mom, friend, and wife since having this blog. I have grown to be more self aware and even began repairing a friendship that wasn’t as strong as it should have been. I have also met people through this outlet who I have an insane amount of things in common with. Beyond Twenty Something was a big part of my life for four years, and I look forward to keeping it that way for the years to come.

Take this as my official pledge to begin blogging again. To not trying to do too much at once, and to focus my heart and soul on this corner of the internet that I’ve created. To continue to grow my favorite little creative outlet and to share it with as many people as I can.

I plan on posting once a week and changing the types of posts that I do. Don’t worry, if you like my oversharing life stories, I will for sure keep those ups. I just also want to tackle things that other people struggle with and fun pieces that aren’t super serious and can open up fun conversations.

So thank you for sticking around for this entire post or for the four years of this blog. I am excited for the next journey in blogging.

❤

Sunshine and anxiety

 

I haven’t talked about my anxiety much on my blog. I wrote about it in my book I published this last December but I haven’t written about it publicly on my blog.

I have anxiety, something I always kind of figured I had but didn’t want to ever try and get help for. It wasn’t until February of last year when it got really bad that I decided to try and talk to someone and get help.

I’m definitely not 100 percent but I’m so much better than when I started my journey to get better.

Lately I’ve been working overtime to battle my anxiety.

With everything going on in the world it’s really challenging to fight the negative thoughts in your mind.

When school first got cancelled for two weeks and our track season was put on hold I was devastated to say the least. I was completely crushed for my athletes and a losing a part of my life that I loved so much for a few weeks.

I had so many negative thoughts literally trying to force their way into my mind. It was such a strange feeling. Negative thoughts in mind while my heart was trying to tell myself to be positive.

I now find myself sitting in a position where I’m hanging on the edge of my seat waiting to see if our track season can continue and my life can start getting back to normal, and I genuinely believe that it will and that we will get a small bit of a track season in the end.

I’m not just saying that, and I may be one of the few people with positive thoughts left but it’s completely true.

It’s hard to truly believe something in your heart when your anxiety is trying to fight back with negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m having this internal battle that my mind is working overtime to beat.

I’ve been doing pretty good considering the circumstances. I am able to continue my grad school work, work for my job, workout, and care for my amazing family.

But today I was struggling.

I was a little yesterday too.

Not completely sure why I found myself with this awful headache and bad thoughts.

In the midst of my work this morning I found it trying to sneak it’s way back in, I decided to sweat it out.

Not like I normally do however, I wanted to take it outside.

I have these giant doors leading to the backyard in my bedroom. I could see the bright blue sky and sun shining bright, something took over and told me to do my workout in the backyard.

I ran outside with my spotify playlist, workout mat, and dog to get started.

I was having a great workout and sweating my face off.

I had all these thoughts like “see Megan all you needed was your workout” and “fresh air fixes everything.”

At the end I decided to stretch like I usually do, except afterwards I was drawn to lay down on my mat.

I found this little pocket of sunshine and found it hitting my face.

I continued to lay there with the warm sun on my face and nothing but the music in my ear with thoughts running through my mind.

It felt like the montage at the climactic point in a movie.

All of a sudden I saw my college track days of running down the track in the heat with my best friend.

I saw myself laughing on the sidelines with my hurdlers.

I saw myself running down the country roads near my old house.

I saw track meets and smiles.

The wind picked up and ran across my face and I actually smiled.

I’m not making that up to sound cheesy it actually happened.

Happiness came over me in that moment as I remembered what sunshine around this time of year usually meant. I was almost brought to tears with pure joy.

In that moment I remembered that I absolutely love the sunshine and sweat running down my face. I love feeling hotter than it actually was outside.

My intentions aren’t to flood you with positivity and messages of “appreciate your life and what you have now compared to others.”

My intentions are to remind you that negative thoughts are ok.

Trying to beat them is ok.

Smiling your face off while dancing to Dua Lipa in the backyard during your workout us ok.

I felt selfish for a moment. Why was I enjoying myself and smiling while some people are scared and worried, but I was reminded that it was ok.

All sorts of emotions are ok in a time like this.

You can be scared, nervous, happy, sad, anxious, excited.

Literally, it’s all ok.

This post was brought to you by sunshine and anxiety.

❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 Going On 30

Woah…she’s finally here.

My thirties.

HOLD THE FREAKIN PHONE

How did I turn 30?!

Yesterday I was 22 and had just graduated college?!

When did I turn 30?!

I’m only kidding, I’ve been working on processing the fact that I’m turning 30 since I turned 29.

I knew this year had to be the best one yet.

I knew I had to go out of my twenties with a bang.

And boy did I.

I wrote and published my firsts book ever all about the lessons I learned in my twenties, as I was leaving them.

It was a beautiful and amazing process, but what the heck do I do now?

Maybe you’re wondering too?

“Like, this girl just spent the last year of her twenties writing a book, what will she do next?”

I honestly had no idea.

Everything that I’ve done the last 10 years I did as a twenty something.

Met my best friend, graduated college, met my husband, got engaged, got married, had my son, got my first big kid job, landed my current job, started coaching, wrote a book, started a podcast, started this blog.

I’ve been living the last ten years to the best of my ability only to get to 30 and wonder, what do i do next?

I tend to want to go all out when I do things.

Like if I’m going to dedicate my time, energy, and heart into something I’m going to be as extra as I can and go as hard as I can to get it done.

It’s just how I roll.

I’ve been thinking of different things I could to this year to make it special.

To go into 30 my absolute best and happiest self.

I’m a part of this Facebook group for a podcast that I listen to, and someone told a story of a 50 year old woman they met in a yoga class.

They mentioned that the woman was killing it in class, and that they had to find out more about her.

This woman who had just turned 50 said she was doing 50 new things that year, and that yoga class was one of them!

To say that I was impressed would be an understatement.

This woman had just turned 50 and was going to start doing something new, and not just one thing, 50 new things.

I was so inspired.

If she could do it, so could I!

I grabbed my notes app on my phone and started writing things down.

Things that I’ve always wanted to do.

Things that would definitely push me out of my comfort zone.

And we all know how much I don’t like doing that..

I’m challenging myself to do 30 new things this year.

I’m excited to start this new decade of my life trying new things and potentially creating new habits.

It’s also going to inspire 30 different blog posts, all on the new things I’m trying.

So here it goes….

30 for 30.

Meditate every day for 30 days straight
Buy a plant and keep it alive
Bike 30 miles..stationary bike that is.
Listen to a new genre of music
Try a new cuisine
Watch a Woody Allen movie
Try a new restaurant
Go to a museum near me
Learn how to change a tire
Take a dance class
Watch a TV series I’ve never seen
Go wine tasting
Get a tarot card reading
Eat a BLT…don’t skip the tomatoes
Do Yoga every day for 30 days straight
Learn how to do a hand stand
Make a Tik Tok
Finally get my dream purple hair sorry Mom
Cook something new
Go a week without straightening my hair
Grow my own vegetables
Go a week without social media
Start actually saving money
Write in my journal every single day
Learn how to swim….finally
Travel some place new
Go a month without buying coffee
Attempt to crochet
Build something
Further my education

Cheers to 30 ❤

I came in like a wrecking ball.

I am very type A.

I know I’ve mentioned it over and over again but that’s because it’s true.

Have you ever seen that episode of friends where everyone gives Monica a hard time about leaving a pair of shoes out? She lays in bed at night and can’t sleep because she wants nothing more than to move the shoes where they’re supposed to be.

She even considers moving them and getting up early before everyone else and moving them back?

Hi, hello, it’s me…I’m Monica.

I like to have everything figured out, planned out, and color coded. Some may say that I’m being a “control freak” but it honestly makes my soul so happy.

I’ll happily wear a “hello my name is control freak” name tag.

I came in real hot for the start of this year. I had wanted to do all of the things. Seriously.

There were so many things that I wanted to do and it was so overwhelming.

I even changed my word for the year because it was stressing me out. I had to admit that I was wrong and take a step back. I was forced to take just a few things to work on this year that were the most important to me.

You see..it’s okay to want to do so many things..but that stuff gets to me. My favorite quote is “you can do anything but not everything” and it hits home for me so hard.

I find myself getting caught up in this idea that I need to do A, B, and C…and D, E, F, and G for good measure. If I don’t do everything that I’ve set out to do, I am a failure.

It was January 1st and I was already stressed out from all of my goals this year.

I talked to my husband and told him I was overwhelmed, that I could already see myself just hating all of these things that I wanted to do so bad. He asked me what I wanted to do the most and to focus on those things.

So that’s what I decided to do.

I changed my word, made a new vision board, wrote out a new workout routine and set out to have the best year ever.

The first full week of 2020 was amazing. I had prepped these amazing lunches for work with the help of my dad and his amazing cooking skills, I was crushing my workouts, and I was going to bed after reading a chapter of a book. All things that made my heart happy.

I had even started to write down what I was thankful every morning. I purchased a journal and every morning as I drank my pre-workout I would write down what I was grateful for and my intention for the day.

I was seriously killing it.

Until Sunday January 12th happened.

I woke up with a sore throat and it progressed as the day came to a close. Monday morning rolled around and I had to call out sick for work, and for Tuesday as well. I tried to go in on Wednesday but only made it half of the day. I couldn’t even go in on Thursday. Friday finally came around and I was able to drag myself out of bed and go to work.

I was so frustrated.

I had let myself down.

The week before went so well! I was positive, motivated, and ready to crush anything that came my way.

So why was everything completely turned upside down the very next week?

I have only done a handful of workouts since getting sick, I haven’t read my book all but a few times, and I haven’t written in my gratitude journal since the day I got sick.

Why am I giving up?

Why do I have to force myself out of bed when just a couple of weeks ago I hopped out of bed ready for the day?

I have been feeling so off since I got sick, and I am at the point where I realize it and I’m not happy with it. I’m ready to be the version of me that started out the new year strong.

Whenever I’m feeling off I read some of my best friends old blog posts. I can’t explain why, but they make me remember why I started writing. They remind me that I use to just write to write. That I wasn’t trying to make a post that people would “want” to read. That I wasn’t trying to come up with fluff pieces because that’s what everyone else was doing. That I love writing because it’s my outlet, it brings me happiness. I want my blog to get back to that. To be my happy place.

I took this from my best friends blog today and I’m going to use it as motivation for the rest of the week.

This morning, I could have hit snooze. I could have rolled back over, spent my morning off cozy in bed without the worry of an alarm. This morning I chose love. I chose to get my butt out of bed, hit the yoga studio, then hit the trail for some miles before the sun came up. This morning, like many others I chose to start my day off with something I love. And I am happier because of it.

It’s crazy how something she wrote on February 15th 2017 can be so incredibly relevant to me now almost three years later.

So here I am saying I’m going to snap out of this funk and get back to being me. The me that I love and the me that gets stuff done.

As far as my blog goes? Expect more posts like this. More posts talking about things that I love, things that are hard, and me trying new things. I turn 30 this year, and I won’t do it quietly.

❤

My word.

Hey blog, long time no see!

It’s been quite some time since I wrote a blog post and updated anyone on anything.

I was a little busy chasing my dreams, dreams that I accomplished.

I wrote my book!

The one thing I set out for myself to do in 2019.

It was extremely time consuming and I would be lying if I said it was easy.

I definitely argued with myself numerous times over anything and everything. From the title of the book to trying to figure out how many pages I could get, it was so incredibly stressful.

I’ll save the book writing process for another blog post.

I wanted to hop back on because today is new years eve, and I love new years eve.

Setting goals for the new year, aspiring to do more, chasing after my dreams.

I love the fresh start.

If you go back to some of my earlier new year’s posts, you’ll see that I had resolutions.

I usually had 10 resolutions that I would make, and chances were things wouldn’t always work out.

I would spend some time working on one resolution and ignore the rest.

Or maybe I would put all of my energy on one resolution and do nothing with the others.

It wasn’t very balanced and the resolutions weren’t attainable as a whole.

I realized this when I made resolutions for 2018 and only went through with a couple of them. I ended the year disappointed and far from hopeful for the upcoming year.

It wasn’t until I had seen people coming up with words instead of resolutions that I gained a little bit of hope.

It was a different approach to something that I loved doing, so why not give it a shot?

I went after a word that would motivate me. A word that would push me outside of my comfort zone and to allow me to stop making excuses.

I had wanted to write a book for so long and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.

Until 2019.

I decided that this was the year I was going to pursue my goals.

Pursue.

The word that helped guide me through 2019.

This word was stuck in my head all throughout the year.

This word was always at the forefront of everything I was doing.

From pursuing my book to pursuing help with my mental health.

2019 was my strongest year yet.

Yes, I doubted myself.

Yes, I went from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.

I went after things that scared me and things that pushed me more than I ever thought possible.

I knew after just a couple of months into this year, that I was going to keep picking words for the year and not resolutions.

Not that anything’s wrong with resolutions, I think anything that pushes you to do more with your life is great.

I just found that words work better for me.

A simple word that kept me doing everything with an intention.

Whatever it was that I was doing, I was always pursuing more.

If something scared me or was going to make me uncomfortable, I reminded myself to pursue it.

No matter what happened this word was always there.

I decided to pick a word this year that would do the same thing.

A word that, no matter what, would remind me to do more.

A word that would push me outside of my comfort zone and remind me of my goals.

Create.

The goals I have this year are big, they scare me, but that’s a good thing.

The goals that I have can’t be accomplished until I create more.

I want to create more happy habits.

Create daily gratitude and intention habits.

Create my next book.

Create more around this blog and myself.

Create something that can help others.

Create.

This word will remind me to always do more when I feel like not doing anything.

To get outside of my comfort zone because good things can come from outside of it.

That I can do absolutely anything I want to do, regardless of the fear of judgments from others.

I always said growing up that I wasn’t creative. I just took it and went with it.

I don’t want that to be my excuse anymore. I want to take the things that scare me and run with them.

Do more with them.

I’m excited for this year.

I’m excited for my word.

I’m turning 30 this year, and I want to enter my thirties as the best version of myself.

I’m excited to see what this year brings.

My blog is officially back up and I have so many things on the horizon.

The podcast I started this year with my sister is going strong.

I’ll be starting my second book.

I’m creating a weekly newsletter for anyone who wants to participate in it.

I want to grow more and create more in every aspect of my life.

Make sure to stick around and join me for this journey.

The name of this blog is “Beyond Twenty Something” and I will continue to keep it as that.

Because I am so much more than a twenty something who’s entering the next decade in her life.

I am beyond twenty something.

30.

❤