In four short days I return back to work after three months away. I remember thinking right before I left how long three months was.
“I can’t wait to spend three months with my little man..I get to have all of the holidays off to cherish them with him..and I can binge some serious Netflix.”
I always heard how fast those three months would pass but I didn’t believe them. I just figured they would be long, slow days and it would feel like forever till I had to go back..boy was I wrong.
I can remember the day so vividly. I was so nervous, never having any sort of surgery before can make you terrified for a c section, but I knew I had to keep it cool for him. I knew I had to be calm for my family and Jason who stood by side.
I don’t even think I was breathing as I walked to the delivery room. I was so nervous just for the shot, and for the fact that Jason wasn’t going to be with me for the first ten minutes. I remember asking the doctors where my husband was, and when he was going to be there..I’m sure they were pretty annoyed.
Eventually I was laying down when the doctor asked me if I could feel my legs, I actually started to laugh because I was so shocked that I couldn’t. I said “I can’t even lift my leg..watch.” They didn’t like that.
Next thing I knew the big blue curtain was up and I asked Jason to talk to me the entire time, I didn’t want to think about what was happening. I just wanted to meet our son finally.
I heard the doctors say, “well someone’s a chunky monkey” and I felt the biggest sense of relief I never thought was possible.
He was here, finally.
This beautiful chunky little piece of heaven that we made was finally here.
Jason left for the other side of the room to watch him get measured and I just waited very impatiently for them to be done so I could hold him in my arms. It was pretty quiet on my end at that point, I realized there was music playing over. I couldn’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner.
One of my favorite songs was playing when Ian was born.
You know those songs that seem to be a part of some major points in your life? It was playing, and I started to cry.
The nurse brought him in and I couldn’t stop looking at him. Smiling and looking. Kissing his big head and realizing that in that moment I had never been happier.
I won’t lie and say that the hospital was a breeze after that, there were definitely lots of hours spent in silence staring at him to make sure he was still breathing and nurses coming in every two hours to prick me and poke him.
We got to bring him home just four days later, I remember thinking that this was it. We were parents, on our own with no nurses to call into our room and answer questions. We were about to embark on the biggest journey of our lives.
I was so nervous the ride home, I made Jason take all of the turns extremely slow and had him drive a little under the speed limit. I probably said “careful Jason” twenty times in the ten minute drive home.
Having him home felt perfect, like the missing piece to our little puzzle was compete. His first two weeks consisted of sleeping, eating, pooping and lots of cuddles. We took shifts during the nights, every two to theee hours we would wake the other one up to watch him.
One night Ian was fussy, I wanted to make sure Jason got the sleep he needed so I took Ian out to the living room. It was only the end of the October but my favorite movie was on. I was amazed.
Ian and I sat and watched Elf together in pure happiness..well I was happy..he was asleep but every few minutes I would find myself just staring at him in awe, wondering how something so small could be so completely perfect.
I ask myself that every day, how he could be so perfect.
How I got so lucky.
What did I do to deserve this beautiful little boy.
Being a mom changes you..well obviously because you have a child now..but your priorities shift. You instantly know how to hold him, what to do to get him to fall asleep, what makes him smile, and how to find so many things within yourself.
Patience is not one of my strongest skills, but I was so surprised how it just showed up the second he arrived. No one is perfect, especially me. There are moments when I get stressed just like everyone else but I’ve noticed how easy it is to remain calm and do whatever it takes to make him happy. How patience comes more naturally since I’ve become a mom.
And god..I love being a mom.
I love being his mom.
It’s the best job ever.
That’s why I’m nervous to go back to work, not because I’m not capable of working or because I’m afraid of it being hard..I’m going to miss him like crazy.
I know it’ll get easier, I know I’ll still miss him but I’ll be able to handle it better. I’ll be able to trust that he’s safe and realize that at the end of the day I get to see him and cuddle the crap out of him.
I just keep telling myself it’ll get easier. That I’ll have to keep letting him go little by little. That I have to give him his freedom to grow and turn into the amazing human I know he’s going to be.
No matter how old he gets, he’ll still be my little chunky monkey. He’ll still be my cuddle bug and I’ll be able to kiss him on the cheek even when he gets embarrassed by it, he’ll have no choice in that matter.
I’ll always cherish those nights at three in the morning where all I wanted was sleep. Him being curled up in a little ball in my arms, and so precious that I swore time stood still.
I know that no matter what at the end of the day that I’m his mom and I want nothing but the absolute best for him. I’ll work my hardest to make sure he always has what he needs and that he dreams big. I want him to believe that he can move mountains.
It will always come back to those lyrics of the song. The one that always seems to come up at crucial parts in my life..
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you. And everything you do.”