Starting a blog post is the hardest part of writing one.
Where do I want this to go? Do I just want to write and see where it takes me? Do I have something I want to say?
Honestly most of the time I start a post one way and it takes a turn right in the middle
I really like when that happens in my writing.
Maybe that comes off as rambling or maybe it doesn’t make sense to the reader, but it makes sense in my mind and always ends up helping.
Some of the best things in my life have turned out that way.
Volunteering to help coach a cross country team, meets the head coach and falls for him, gets married two years later.
Starts a career as a high school registrar, takes a turn and decides to go back to school to become a school counselor.
Joins track and field at an early age swearing I’ll never run more than 800 meters, ends up running cross country for 10 plus years.
For someone that relates with Monica Geller on a spiritual level, chaos and I do not get along. I struggle with the unknown because I struggle with the fear of the unknown. I would much rather have a plan and even two backup plans than watch something take an unexpected turn.
Even though the best things in my life have happened when I wasn’t expecting them, I still have a hard time allowing them to happen.
Lately I’ve been really working on letting go of that worry and fear.
Part of letting it go is realizing where that fear started in the first place, and for me, it has always been there.
The fear started with the feeling of doing things by myself, I think it’s because I had someone built in to help me not feel alone.
I was so used to having someone with me that I created this idea that I needed someone by my side to try new things or to do scary things.
It’s hard for me when people can’t or don’t want to do things with me, it makes not want to try something new because I’m afraid of going by myself. I’m afraid of failing without someone I know by my side.
And I’ve always had someone by my side.
I went to every school growing up with my sister, and even college.
We worked our first job together and even shared a room until we were 25.
Doing things by myself was something that I didn’t really consider until I was married and moved out. It was never something I had to think about. We had our own lives as we got older but at the end of the day always came back to each other, I was never alone.
Some people might think it’s silly, but I truly loved doing everything with my sister. I was never scared because I had her. I knew if I ever messed up or looked stupid that she would be there to catch me if I fell.
And if I was doing something on my own, I needed validation and support from her. She was my rock; we were built the same, so I needed to know that she supported me or that she thought my ideas were good. Seeking guidance from others was something that I craved, it told me that I was making the right choice.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I found myself having to do things on my own, and it wasn’t until very recently that I began leaning into it in small ways that felt very big.
Going to run errands.
Getting tattoos.
Getting my nails done (except when my friend Amanda comes with me because we all have to start somewhere).
Going on runs when my running buddy isn’t away at college.
And trying a new workout class.
A couple of weeks ago I had an idea to try a new in person workout class. Something that I’ve always wanted to do but have been nervous to do by myself. I found myself having to decide, do it on my own or not do it at all because of this fear that I had.
I ended up booking my free trial class and gave myself a pep talk on the drive over.
I was in a room full of 36 people I did not know, doing something that I had never done before. The feeling of wanting to try something new overtook the feeling of being afraid.
And I had the absolute best time.
I was in love with the workouts and the style of the class, but most importantly I was in love with the feeling of doing something on my own.
I was in love with the feeling that I tried something new all by myself and had the best time.
Since that first class, I get up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 4:15 am to be out the door and in my class at 5, and by 8:30 on the weekends. I have made friends in my classes and push myself to do more than I think I can, all because I made the choice to do something on my own.
This may be the smallest thing to others, but to me it’s huge. The reassurance that it will be ok if I take that chance.
That I can do things on my own.
I have always been a part of a duo, even after getting married I had a partner.
Who cares what I was doing or where I was, as long as someone was with me I wouldn’t fail.
This fear or failing or looking dumb by myself held me back from attempting things on my own. I was afraid that others would see me attempt something new or different and judge me or talk about me. If was with someone else it would be ok, because I had them.
I didn’t want to fail.
I didn’t want to be afraid.
I didn’t want others to talk.
Looking dumb is ok. Trying something new is ok. Because regardless of what you do, people are going to talk. It would be naive to sit here and tell you others won’t judge you becauee the truth is that yes, people will talk about you, they may even judge you.
But that’s on them and it’s something they need to figure out.
I have always thought these things, but it has taken me 33 years to actually accept them.
That it’s ok to fail.
That it’s ok to be afraid.
That it’s ok if others talk about me.
I spent so long not doing things by myself because I was afraid of what would happen.
Afraid of being by myself.
But at the ripe age of 34 I’ve come to enjoy the beauty of doing things alone.
Don’t get me wrong, spending a day with my husband and boys is always ideal, but personally I need time alone to just be with myself. And that’s ok.
I’ve learned to appreciate myself and all of the choices I’ve made in my life that have brought me to where I am.
I have really enjoyed getting to know myself more. Understanding my values and what I enjoy doing.
Appreciating the fact that I love showing my appreciation for others.
That I can be someone’s biggest cheerleader.
That I think about others needs before my own.
That I love early morning workouts, reading, and 80’s music on repeat.
It’s important to get to know ourselves and to do things on our own. It helps build that relationship.
In the words of Taylor Swift “you’re on your own kid, you always have been.”
Beyond 20 Something 