✨a sprinkle of disappointment ✨

At the beginning of this year, I set a goal to run a half marathon.

And I failed.

I had been running in a way that I hadn’t come close to since college, I was reaching 12-mile-long runs, and taking care of myself.

Until injury hit mid-February, an injury that I ignored for a couple of weeks until it caused me to completely stop running all together. The half marathon that I signed up for came and went, and I ended up not running.

I wasn’t running consistent and still had pain in my leg, so I decided not to run.

I had to watch others run the race and excel, taking it personally when they did, a problem of my own doing.

I took some well needed time off and began to feel better in the summer. My dream of running the New York City Marathon was in my sight. After feeling strong during the summer, I headed into September hopefully, only to be sidelined at the end of the month by the same injury.

October rolled around and I sought out my first ever physical therapy appointment. It was the best thing that could have happened. For the first time ever, I was forced to slow down and fix my issues slowly as I started to strengthen my muscles that needed it. Slowing down is hard. Honestly, I hated it. I couldn’t walk from my car to my desk without pain. Every second of every day I was in pain, and yet the runners I follow on tik tok and Instagram were excelling in their own goals and running away with their dreams.

In November I signed up to run the New York City Marathon, only to back out two days later. It’s embarrassing, and I know those who have too much time on their hands will look down on me for it, but I wasn’t making the progress on my leg that I wanted and honestly it was causing me so much stress knowing I “had” to be better by a certain day.

I went into the year wanting to go all in with running, only to miss every race I wanted to do. As I struggled with my own disappointment, I watched others run more races than me, run faster than me, all seemingly pain free.

I left every physical therapy appointment annoyed that I couldn’t do the one thing I wanted to do, yet hopeful for the progress I was making. I watched myself grow more optimistic and hopeful than I had been while in some time.

Even though I am almost 34 years old, the message that I kept repeating to myself was one that I wish I would have known at 18, 20, or even 24. The message that my worth as a person and as a runner does not depend on what race I run or how fast I can run a mile during my “easy” runs. My worth does not change if I run outside or on a treadmill in my garage. My worth does not relate to how many miles I can run in a week or if I can even run at all.

I am so grateful for all the things that my body has done, being hard on it for not running as fast as others or being injured is not worth the pain and stress.

I did a lot more this year outside of the world of running that I am so incredibly proud of.

I am on my way to reading 40 books this year, double the number I had set for myself as a goal in January. The most I had ever read in a year before 2023 was six.

I saved money every month and because of that I was able to pay for family birthday presents and Christmas presents with that savings, which was a huge goal of mine.

I went through a really difficult time at work back in the spring and came out of it with the best job I have ever had at a place that makes me happy to come to work every morning.

I started a new role as a high school counselor and have gone into it asking questions, learning as much as I can, and gaining the confidence that I have always wanted.

I graduated with my master’s degree in June.

I went to the Eras tour with my mom and sister and had the best night of my life.

I was able to take an amazing Disney vacation with my family and my parents.

I got two new Taylor Swift tattoos.

I watched my son excel at his first team sport.

I got a cat, Barney Stinson, who we all love so much despite him being part dog and part psycho.

This year truly was one of the best despite a setback that I thought would ruin everything.

I have learned so much surrounding my worth as a runner and to not relate it to what others are doing. That my body is different, and just as amazing regardless of an injury or what someone else is doing.

I learned a valuable lesson this year, one that I never sought out to learn.

Things will happen outside of my control, whether it is a job switch or an injury, but my worth as a person does not depend on what happens to me, it’s how I respond to it.

I am going to continue to set goals around running, but those will begin once I am able to run without pain. I am going to continue to cheer for those who are able to run and achieve their goals, while not taking their success personally. I will not let the negative words of others affect me and change how I see myself.

Cheers to being hopeful about running again in 2024, but not making it everything. And if it happens, I’ll be excited, and if not, that will be ok. And that is called growth.

❤